2014

Truth is, though, I am lonely, but I don't want to admit it.  The thought of someone reading these journals, and caring, is far more comforting than the reality of someone actually doing that.  This way, there are no questions; I can continue my fantasy where everything is okay. (hmm...maybe that's what a journal is for...)  Once you say something out loud, it's harder to pretend that the truth hasn't been there all along.  For example, when you admit you have a crush on someone, sometimes you realize that your feelings are real, or maybe you realize that you're just living a dream.

Anyways, 2013 was the end of a lot of things.  I lost my grandfather, my parent's marriage is in shambles, I inadvertently helped one of my best-friends close the door on our friendship for good...  I don't mean for anyone to pity me.  Shit happens to everyone.  I'm holding up, and I am lucky to have so many other close friends to help me through everything.  So while I am lonely, I am not alone.  I miss the relationships I used to have, but it's time to make new ones.  The thing that's hard to admit is that I want to be sad about everything.  But being sad is gross, and if you're too sad, you just start to pity yourself (which is just as bad as having other's pity you).  Perhaps I'm starting to contradict myself.  Be sad, don't be sad, make up you're mind lady!  I guess I just have a knack for finding a positive outcome.  For example, my life is less stressful without that friendship, family issues are slowly being resolved, etc.  Sometimes, I would love to sit around and think about all the ways my life is sad, or why I should be sad...but in the end, there's something good. and I am extremely thankful my mind works in these convoluted ways.

Thank you invisible (and possibly imaginary) reader for caring enough to read all this.  It's not a cry for help, but it was time for a bit of self reflection (some final teenage angst, I suppose, before I reach my second decade...yikes!).  It goes without saying, that my next video project will have a similar theme

Speaking of which, I'm fixing up some of my film and video work so that I can go up on dev soon.  Something to look forward to.

To those of you real readers, thanks for reading through.  Tomorrow's a new day to be sad and not be sad.  Unfortunately, some people find it hard to get up in the morning...luckily, when I do, it's before 7 and only 30 degrees in my room (burrr!)  Oh, did I mention I'm taking a course titled "The Meaning of Life"?  Yeah.

Happy 2014!